The Good of Regret
People often ask what advice I would tell my younger self. It’s a hard question for me to answer because I can’t imagine my younger self as happy to listen. Mostly, they’d have a lot of questions and dislike all my answers.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is… I had a very narrow view of what I wanted in life.
It’s also illogical because anything I’d tell my younger self are things I’ve learned along the way. “Do the things,” I’d beg myself. “Just take speech and debate. Put yourself out there. People will like you.”
My teenage self was a wild mess of insecurities - as are most teenagers, especially those raised girls, those with stutters, those who don’t fit in but aren’t sure why.
When I was in 8th grade, and I signed up for electives for high school, I put Spanish 101 at the top, and then Drama 101, and then Speech and Debate. I figured if ‘God’ wanted me to take one of the other 2, then Spanish would be full.
A nonsense thought - of course we had PLENTY of room for Spanish 101. When I learned Speech and Debate was 7th period, I was offered to sign up for it. I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I felt the sign from God wasn’t there, after all.
Maybe that’s what I’d tell my younger self: don’t wait for your sign from God. Do what you want to do, and do it scared.
You will be OK
I used to think letters to my younger self would mostly just include 1 phrase: you will be OK. But did I even know what OK meant back then? What was my definition of it? I noticed that has stopped being my answer, now that I am telling other people “You will be okay” or “Your child will be okay”. Have I forgotten how much I needed to hear it? Or was it always a message I wanted to pass along to others?
Missed Opportunities and Regret
It’s been over 18 years since I made the decision not to take Speech and Debate. It feels silly to regret it still, doesn’t it? But when I stumbled upon a newspaper clipping of one of my great-grandmas having been on her speech and debate team in high school, something tugged at me. Has this always been in my DNA, in my blood?
Does part of Velva exist inside of me? How did she learn to argue? What made her go and do speech and debate when her sister married an adult man when she was only 15?
Perhaps the only way someone can know they will be okay is by doing. No, I don’t think that’s right. You need safety. You need safety to do things.
You need to know you’ll be okay - emotionally if nothing else - before you can do things. Well… some of us are that way. I can’t speak to those who aren’t.
People tell me not to regret - it’s all part of my journey, you know? I got here in the end. But I find regrets to be guiding. Not in a shame-based way, I hope, but in a reminder of what I value.
For example, I know many women who regret ‘wasting’ their ‘hot years’ thinking themselves ugly, and not taking more photos. But they say this while… finding themselves not worthy of enjoying themselves and being in photos. They regret, and think, “oh well, that’s life I guess.” Why not ask themselves what they learned and what the value is?
You learned 1- you can’t trust yourself to know if you’re attractive or not. 2- you don’t enjoy seeing yourself as unattractive. 3- you wish you had more photos, you value the evidence of your happiness. So push yourself with that knowledge. Remind yourself, “You know, I used to think I was gross to look at when I was 15, but I was wrong. Maybe I’m wrong now. I’m just going to have fun.”
So back to stuttering -
Part of what made me start Stutterology was out of my regrets of not speaking out against things that bother me. I am so afraid to shake things up sometimes, afraid that people won’t like me. Afraid that things will be awkward with people who may take my opinions personally. And truthfully - yes, that will happen. Some people will not like me. Some people will take my things personally, and it will be awkward.
My therapist would ask me, “Is it worth it? Is it worth it - for those people to feel better - that you hold your tongue, make yourself miserable, and not advocate for the things you care about? Is it worth it to hold yourself and your values away from the people who would love it… all to please these people you perhaps feel on edge around to begin with?”
Those regrets have to do with using my voice. Crafting my voice. Going out there and making mistakes, learning, figuring it out. And instead of ignoring them, or accepting them just to move on, I look at them and let it motivate me to push on, and to do the things I value. To do what makes me feel alive instead of picking the “safer” path every time.